Lotte, 27 years old – Stalked by ex-boyfriend
Met each other by chance on a night out.
Lotte’s ex-boyfriend has been stalking her for about three years. She met Martin by chance one night out on the town. They quickly became a couple, but after a few months, she broke it off. They tried to get back together a couple of times, but without success. Martin was secretive and not always trustworthy. Lotte caught him lying about what he was doing and who he was with several times. By contrast, he wanted to know everything she did. She found him manipulating and controlling, showing little if any empathy towards others.
Threatened violence after the break-up.
After the break-up, Martin started appearing at cafes, in shops and on the street wherever she was. He contacted her through phone calls, text messages and on an online chat forum, and he approached her on the street and in other public places. He threatened violence, both against her and her friends. They lived in a little town in the countryside, which meant that when he spread lies about and false accusations against Lotte and their relationship, it hit hard. A large part of the stalking consisted in driving by or taking up residence outside her workplace, her home or her parents’ house. Lotte felt like someone was watching and following her. She was terrified and became anxious. She felt especially anxious when she was alone at work on an evening or night shift, and she could see his car parked outside for a long time without anything happening. She was scared when she walked alone on the street regardless of if it was day or night. She often saw that he was following her, and she did not know what he was capable of doing. At one point, the anxiety got so intense that she had to go off sick and lost her job.
Moved back home with her parents.
After a hospital stay in connection with a small operation, Lotte moved back home with her parents to get some peace and quiet without him knowing where she was. He took up residence outside her home for days. When her sister came to get some of Lotte’s things, he followed the car and found out where she was staying. Then he continued to take up residence outside her parents’ house. Sometimes, he was parked outside with the lights switched off. Other times, he drove by 6-7 times during the day. Lotte was terrified, especially when she was alone in the house, which she often was. Her parents lived in the countryside with long distances between the neighbours. To be able to manage her fear and anxiety, she kept the dog close by at all times. It gave her a sense of not being completely on her own. Once when he approached her physically, she told him to stay away. He almost begged her to take him back, which she refused. Even when he threatened suicide, she refused to respond. It was not the first time he tried this approach.
The anxiety gained the upper hand.
The police were obliging, but apologetic that they were not able to do anything about the situation. They told her to gather proof for what had happened, and then they could examine the possibility for a restraining order. She never got to the point of requesting a restraining order. Lotte did not have the energy. She was completely exhausted by the psychic terror, and anxiety had gained the upper hand. She lived in constant fear; she felt agitated, kept looking over her shoulder and got physically worse with inner anxiety and palpitation. She found it difficult to be home alone, and she did not feel safe going out by herself. She had memory and concentration problems, and she had severe insomnia. Her doctor gave her some sedatives and some sleeping pills.
The monitoring continued on a new address.
When Lotte moved into her new apartment, Martin continued to monitor her on her new address. She had always been very strong and independent, but now she was so depressed that she knew that she needed professional help from a psychologist. At the psychologist’s, she got help to deal with the situation, but also help to take a stand against Martin. She wrote him a letter that said: “Thank you for the time I have known you. The relationship has ended, and I do not want to have any further contact with you. I do not want to see your car following me.” She mailed him the letter. He stopped following and monitoring her immediately, but he kept contacting her through a chat forum where she rejected him. Finally, she contacted him to let him know that she had found someone else, and then he stopped stalking her for good.
Support from friends and family.
During this course of events, Lotte got a lot of support from her friends and from her family. Among other things, they had a permanent agreement that she always had her mobile phone on her with a phone number already typed in when she was walking alone on the street. Additionally, she often had a friend on the phone if she was walking alone and feeling scared. It gave her a sense of not being entirely alone and that someone was ready to help at all times.
Today, Lotte lives with a new boyfriend. Six months after the stalking stopped, she returned from a much-needed vacation with her boyfriend and was overwhelmed by depression and heavy insomnia. The reaction can be a result of the massive and inhuman pressure she has been under throughout several years. She is in treatment, both medical and psychological. At present, she is on long-term sick leave from her work.
Psychological help.
The psychologist helped Lotte draw a definitive line for Martin by writing and sending him the letter. In Lotte’s case, it had an effect in the sense that Martin actually stopped the direct form of contacting her, but he did continue to contact her online. This is not a recommendable solution. On the contrary, other stalkers than Martin might have considered the letter an opening and not an end. Some people will see such a letter as a long-awaited response and as a sign that all the attempts of contacting has worked. The wording can be bended and construed into something that fits the needs and wishes of the receiver. Other times, the stalker can interpret the whole situation as if the psychologist as turned her against him, which can lead the stalker to see the psychologist as his new target. Fortunately, it went well in Lotte’s case. In spite of the good intentions with a letter or personal confrontation, it is not advisable.